We are all a little weird and Life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love - Dr.Seuss

The big picture

I love the video for the song Return to innocence by Enigma. The first time i watched it was bout 5 years ago. And i still enjoy watching it after all these years. The whole scenario of having your entire life from birth to death being played out in a matter of minutes kinda gives a very refreshing and strangely optimistic perspective on things. Makes me look at the bigger picture in life and somehow all those everyday problems i'd be battling with seem insignificant. If i had to look at my whole life in flash-forward i'd be happy with the way everything is. I mean i may not yet have my dream job and my career may seem like one big jumbled heap right now but somehow in the bigger picture i have seen a lot, experienced a lot, learnt a lot and whatever lies ahead does not scare me. All those major goals i ever had in life up until this period of my life are met. Minor details are exactly that- 'minor' details. One of my major goals were to not have any regrets whatsoever and i do not. This realization just fills me with warmth upto my toes. There is that small part of me that fights to reject this saintly notion of mine with the argument that the price for such a belief is ambition and growth in my career. But thankfully that is the part of me I never ever listen to.

Another narcissistic rambling

I do feel sometimes like i am in a completely wrong profession. I mean i'm not the ambitious sorts nor do i have any emotional reasons to justify my career path. I am here because this is where i landed and because i couldn't care less about trying to find my calling.

I sure do have the talents to stick around here. That was never in doubt. It is the motivation i lack. The motivation to spend long nights reading text books, the motivation to read up extra journals and papers about the topic, the motivation to actually start working on any assignment or project more than a night before the deadline or even the motivation to do just a little bit more than the bare minimum required of me. Its always left me wondering about whether i am actually not interested in becoming an electrical engineer or is it just that i am plain ol' lazy.

As usual i'm stumped for an answer. One explanation i had reached a while ago was that every job ends up getting boring so there was really no use in trying to answer this question. But then whenever i see someone who is so involved in the work that it is obvious they love what they do, it makes me wonder if i too have a true calling. It is admittedly too late to do anything about it even if i do zero in on it eventually but it sure would feel good to know something about myself.

I have had this feeling for a while that maybe i'd do good in psychiatry. I am not sure if it is true. But trying to understand perspectives, human psychology, reasons why people behave like they do and the ability to predict a persons behavior sure sound exactly like something i'd love to learn about. Maybe someday when i am in the mood i'd buy a few books and read up a little on it. And if i liked it, maybe i'd go back to school. Who knows.. Life sure is full of interesting choices.

Lon time no see

My first post since I've landed here. I've all settled down here pretty fine. I've begun understanding the frowns, recognizing the smirks, realizing the hints. My whole view of things has undergone a major upheaval. My english is screwed up big time majorly coz leisurely reading has taken a back seat right now. My cooking skills have improved from burnt-food to too-much-salt. My fashion sense has dipped to an all time low. And i'd rather skip the topic of personal hygiene. I never really cared about money and that still remains the same. I pay a very heavy price for it at times (well technically my dad does) but i simply refuse to learn. I refuse to give any importance to a few green notes in my life. I need them for some basic stuff.. but thats where i draw the line. I don't want to be the proud owner of a safe overflowing with bundles of them. Yeah I'd love to have a huge bungalow overlooking a river and i'd love to own a lamborghini. But no big deal even if i din't. Ambition has never really been my most defining trait and i aint doin anythin about it.

A major part of my life here is spent looking a things from the right or wrong perspective. From all that i've seen here, most people tend to lose that sense in their desperation to achieve and succeed. I understand people have problems. Loans to clear, families to feed, houses to pay for. But these are hardly reason to justify a wrong as right. In fact i can hardly think of a reason that justifies a wrong as right.
The whole concept of right and wrong is relative. Each one defines it in his own way. And somehow this point has been highlighted over and over out here. I don't claim to be the most righteous person around. I have chosen that easier route over whats right so many times. I am trying to change that now. for that i need to set the boundaries for each. And that is where i am faced with my biggest issue. I have always believed that a majority of the worlds problems are because everyone "does" what he thinks is right. People blow up places coz they think it is right. People attack countries coz they think it is right. People pollute the environment coz they think it is right. Maybe the leaders of all these movements know the reality. But not the ones below them. They truly believe that their goals are what would change the world for better and they are prepared to give up their lives for it. Thier enthusiasm, though admirable, is somehow misdirected or rather mis-righted. They believe in working themselves to change the world. In doing things themselves. And it is this whole feeling of "doing" what is right that scares me a little. After all your opinion of right might not be right after all.
Just having different opinions of right and wrong won't harm anyone. But enforcing your right onto the world would. Maybe this is why religion was invented. To have a universal code of rights. As of now the only right i've have decided on to support whole heartedly is to do things without hurting others involved. I try to do it. It gets tough at times. but maybe overtime id start getting better at my judgement.

Its settled then.. Im leaving.. Who knows for how long. I certainly do not. I've even stopped trying to think that part. Things have gotten a little weird in all the relations i'm currently sharing. Partly due to the knowledge that i'd miss them and partly coz i refuse to openly acknowledge it. I'd prefer to delay that feeling till the excitement of going to dat new place is huge enough to drown it out.
I think im doin ok so far. I only hope to remain so. I hope dat I don't change there.. that i still remain some1 whom i'd recognise...

Whenever im asked to talk about the worst books i've ever read the 2 books that immediately pop up are 'The Inheritance of loss' and 'The Alchemist'. I never managed to get past the first chapter of the former and i had to drag myself on all fours to complete the latter. And so every time anyone mentioned The Alchemist i'd burst out laughing. But surprisingly i never quite met anyone else who shared the same emotions for it. Most people around seem to have nothing but praises for 'The Alchemist', including my mom. They say something bout it helping them realize the true philosophies of life and helped them through many a rugged patches.
Part of the reason i feel i hate the book is coz i hate being told how to live my life. All this talk of ambition and hard work i find really boring. Not coz i'm arrogant or so, not as far as i know, but den i don like any1 messing around with my line of reasoning and bring about any unwanted deviations in there. But then thats me. And not everyone could be me. So all i could do is empathize with the other guys and move on with my life. After all not everyone requires a head on collision with a brick wall before they realize they were wrong.

I have lived all my life this far with the belief that friends played no major a role in my life and that it was common for them to keep moving in and out of it. It was an illusion obviously, coz i've always had this fixed circle of friends right from schooling till my engineering. And so i never bothered wondering what i'd do without them. As far as i was concerned, i was perfectly capable of leading my own solitary existence and maybe even dreamed of living one. Funny how much my perspectives changed. Now that we've graduated from engg., everyone is branching off in different directions in search of their respective careers and suddenly this realization hits me hard, right across my face.
I realise how crippled i've become without those huge support systems i unconciously had, hidden deep somewhere in the crevices of my emotional well being. The blows never came all at once. One by one they all left and I've stayed behind. And its the ones who stay behind that feel it the most. And now i find myself dangling from just two threads one of whom would be severed when i'd leave for the US. And the other would also be too far away for comfort out there. Feels very weird to be in this current state of mind. I'm shocked at how much i thought bout them even without realising it. I feel bad that i never realised it while they were around. And also that sense of loneliness i feel everytime i feel that urge to have that cup of coffee at bombay chat, everytime i sit in the car while going out on some errands, everytime i think of all those discussions bout our futures, everytime theres a powercut at home and the phone doesn't ring, everytime i see that basketball lying around in my room. We would all meet, definitely, maybe 5 years down the line maybe more. But things mightn't feel the same. I would have learnt to cope up with this by then and probably our priorities would also have changed. I have had a very happy life so far thanks to all u guys. Ill try to keep it that way as long as i could.