The big picture

I love the video for the song Return to innocence by Enigma. The first time i watched it was bout 5 years ago. And i still enjoy watching it after all these years. The whole scenario of having your entire life from birth to death being played out in a matter of minutes kinda gives a very refreshing and strangely optimistic perspective on things. Makes me look at the bigger picture in life and somehow all those everyday problems i'd be battling with seem insignificant. If i had to look at my whole life in flash-forward i'd be happy with the way everything is. I mean i may not yet have my dream job and my career may seem like one big jumbled heap right now but somehow in the bigger picture i have seen a lot, experienced a lot, learnt a lot and whatever lies ahead does not scare me. All those major goals i ever had in life up until this period of my life are met. Minor details are exactly that- 'minor' details. One of my major goals were to not have any regrets whatsoever and i do not. This realization just fills me with warmth upto my toes. There is that small part of me that fights to reject this saintly notion of mine with the argument that the price for such a belief is ambition and growth in my career. But thankfully that is the part of me I never ever listen to.

Another narcissistic rambling

I do feel sometimes like i am in a completely wrong profession. I mean i'm not the ambitious sorts nor do i have any emotional reasons to justify my career path. I am here because this is where i landed and because i couldn't care less about trying to find my calling.

I sure do have the talents to stick around here. That was never in doubt. It is the motivation i lack. The motivation to spend long nights reading text books, the motivation to read up extra journals and papers about the topic, the motivation to actually start working on any assignment or project more than a night before the deadline or even the motivation to do just a little bit more than the bare minimum required of me. Its always left me wondering about whether i am actually not interested in becoming an electrical engineer or is it just that i am plain ol' lazy.

As usual i'm stumped for an answer. One explanation i had reached a while ago was that every job ends up getting boring so there was really no use in trying to answer this question. But then whenever i see someone who is so involved in the work that it is obvious they love what they do, it makes me wonder if i too have a true calling. It is admittedly too late to do anything about it even if i do zero in on it eventually but it sure would feel good to know something about myself.

I have had this feeling for a while that maybe i'd do good in psychiatry. I am not sure if it is true. But trying to understand perspectives, human psychology, reasons why people behave like they do and the ability to predict a persons behavior sure sound exactly like something i'd love to learn about. Maybe someday when i am in the mood i'd buy a few books and read up a little on it. And if i liked it, maybe i'd go back to school. Who knows.. Life sure is full of interesting choices.